Funerals-When you don't get along

When everyone has a different idea of what should happen

Sometimes there simply isn't a solution that will make everyone happy. One person

wants one thing and another person wants something completely different. One wants

black. The other wants white. And neither

is prepared to accept grey. When that happens, someone is inevitably going to be disappointed.

One may want certain people to speak. Another may strongly disagree. One may want a traditional service. Another may want something informal. There is not always a perfect compromise. And sometimes, trying to keep everyone happy simply isn't possible. At some point, a decision has to be made.

Once that decision has been made by the person or people responsible for arranging the funeral, others may need to accept that they are not going to get everything they wanted.

That can be difficult, particularly when emotions are already heightened by grief.

But there is an important distinction between being disappointed and allowing that disappointment to affect the funeral itself.

Your disappointment should not become part of their farewell

You may not agree with the decisions that have been made. You may feel strongly that something should have been done differently.

You may even feel hurt by being left out of a particular part of the ceremony. Those feelings are real, and they deserve acknowledgement.

But ask yourself:

Do I need to act on those feelings today?

A funeral is not the place to resolve every disagreement. It is not the place to prove who mattered most. And it is not the place to make sure everyone gets their way. If one person wants black and another wants white, and neither will accept grey, there will ultimately be someone who doesn't get what they want. That is sometimes unavoidable. Whatis avoidable is allowing that disappointment to become visible conflict during the funeral.

When conflict becomes part of the funeral

When disagreements, tension, uncomfortable looks or hostility become obvious during a funeral, they don't simply affect the people involved.

Everyone feels it.

The atmosphere in the room changes. People become aware of who is sitting where, who is speaking to whom, who has been included and who has not. Instead of quietly listening to the stories, music and memories, their attention can be drawn towards the tension around them.

As a celebrant, you feel it too.

You are standing at the front of the room trying to create a meaningful, respectful farewell while being aware of the tension behind you. You can feel the uncomfortable silences. You

can see the looks across the room. You can sense when someone is unhappy with what has been said or who has been included. And sadly, when this happens, some of the focus is taken away from the person who has died.

That is the real tragedy.

A funeral should give family and friends an opportunity to listen to the stories, shed tears, smile at the memories, hear the music and remember the person they have lost. It should be a time to reflect on their life and the mark they left on the people around them. When conflict takes centre stage, even unintentionally, it can overshadow that opportunity. The person everyone has gathered to honour can become almost secondary to the disagreement happening around them. Andthat is the last thing most families would want.

Protect the farewell

This is why I believe everyone attending a funeral has a responsibility to help protect the farewell. If you are unhappy with a decision, perhaps this is not the day to challenge it. If

someone else has been given the opportunity to speak and you haven't, perhaps you can share your memories privately with family afterwards. If there are unresolved issues between you and another person, a funeral is rarely the appropriate place to address them.

And if you know that your presence, words or actions could create additional distress for the immediate family, take a moment to consider what the person who has died would have wanted.

The funeral is not the place to settle the past.

It is an opportunity to honour a life. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for the person we have lost -

and for the people who are grieving beside us - is to put our differences aside for one day.

Let the ceremony be about them.

Let the stories be about them.

Let the tears be about them.

Let the memories be about them.

And allow their farewell to be exactly that - a farewell to the person we came together to remember.